Appreciating ISJ Commenter/Soulmate SBeezy

It was no secret, as a blogger, I have had an antagonistic relationship with commenters. And by antagonistic, I mean that I am a dick to them.

But one man in the comments section of It’s Just Sports made things worthwhile for me, and I wanted to make sure his work was preserved. After the break, Sbeezy’s greatest hits:

On Brandon Inge:

“Word on the street is that Inge has a belly-button piercing.”

A two-part takedown of noted Michigan apologist MikeinGB:

“Are you “RR’s” mother or girlfriend? You seem to love him. I’m not saying you’re in love with him, but you definitely have a crush. Maybe all UM needs is the warm support of a big girl like you.”

“That hyperlink was awesome. It was weird, but I liked it. Kind of like MikeInGB ’s posts. It’s weird that a random girl would like Rich Rodriguez so much, but I think it’s funny. It shows character. You go get him, girl.”

On Flip Saunders:

“Flip did make his own bed, but Rasheed slept in it.”

On Allen Iverson:

“Word on the street is that Iverson has learned how to pass the ball to himself to get both the bucket and the assist.”

On Rod Marinelli:

“It won’t be long before Marinelli will throw on a Tampa Bay Bucs cut-off t-shirt, hop into the passenger’s seat of Kalvin Pearson’s car and head out to So-Cal where there are hittable pregnant women a-plenty and they can sit around Rod’s house watching game tape and drinking the High Life while trying to figure out just what went wrong.”

On Brock Lesnar:

“Breath-taking piece. I do wish that Brock could have used a finishing move, but I’m impressed that when he actually had to fight, he took care of business. I was surprised that none of Brock’s enemies, including Paul Heyman, interfered, thus disqualifying Brock from the title bout. That always happens in WWE matches. Sometimes I think those interferences are planned.”

Before the Lions game with Tampa Bay:

“Tampa Bay? It’s more like Tampa G*y. I’m a believer in the 1st. Lions:24 Bucs:17.”

On Michael Rosenberg:

“It’s sad that metro-Detroiters seem to like Rosenberg’s style of writing. It’s not original, not funny, and it’s set-up like an episode of the Daily Show with Mr. Un-original, Un-funny himself, Jon Stewart. An entire episode of the Daily Show can consist of clips of W mis-pronouncing words, then, as each clip is played, it goes back to Jon making a weird face and the audience starts laughing and clapping. I picture Rosenberg doing the same with Rod Marinelli. If I had a camera following me around all day, I can’t imagine all the material that could come out of it. Compared to Rod Marinelli or W’s press conferences, my daily mis-steps would be mind-blowing. My point is that people should be criticized for their actions (like W with Iraq, or Marinelli with Tampa Bay/Detroit) not for their failed attempts to appease the media. Vive la Road to History. Rock on Hayes.”

On Paul Davis:

“I don’t think anybody can facially express the look of defeat/depression/fear quite like big Paul. He was a Spartan though. I would have never guessed he’d have been waived for Samb… that sucks. I guess Grizzly Adams did have a beard.”

On Michael Phelps:

“Mo money, mo problems. I met a guy in Wisconsin who claimed Michael Phelps had webbed feet. He could use the cash for surgery.”

On Sean McHugh being cut by the Lions then making the Steelers:

“Maybe McHugh isn’t a ‘character’ guy … or maybe they just had so much faith in his replacement, Marcus Thomas, that they had to make a move. Thomas didn’t actually ‘play in any actual games’, per se, but he was a character guy. Probably more of a character guy. Hey, you know who the Lions should have signed … Jesus. Jesus was a character guy.”

On Justin Timberlake:

“Ever since I saw the way college chicks dance to “Rock Your Body,” I’ve been a JT fan. His portrayal of Frankie in Alpha Dog was awesome too. Smoke, drink, kill. I’ve even considered having my stomach tattoo “JTT” (in honor of Jonathan Taylor Thomas) changed to “JTIMBERLAKE!” The increase in length of the tattoo will certainly leave it off-centered, but maybe I can have the tattoo artist squeeze the last letters together really tight and add a cool lightning bolt to the front. Yeah. Neon green, what what. Girls dig dudes with tats.”

On the lamest sports personalities:

“There seems to be a connection between people who defend: the Bulldog, Inge, (not so long ago) Grilli, Kevin Jones (now I’m getting off-topic, but I’m not done…), Tay-Tay, and Doug Karsch/Pat Caputo/Eli Zaret/John Keating. D’ Bags.”

On Pat Caputo:

“The best Pat Caputo radio show I can do via internet:

‘You know, I guess I’m just old school, but as a hall of fame voter, I gotta think that, heck, I don’t know, everybody should vote for Jack Morris to get in. Maybe it’s just me being a baseball purist, but I don’t know, he’s the definition of hall of famer in my eyes, for whatever that’s worth. I used to be the beat writer for the Tigers, so I saw him in the clubhouse and watched him pitch every game, and, I don’t know, I thought he was something special. Yeah, I guess that’s right, you could call me a Jack Morris apologist.’

Note the cornerstones of the impression:
1) Says “I don’t know” a ridiculous amount
2) Calls himself a ‘purist’ or ‘apologist’
3) Reminds the audience that he’s a hall of fame voter
4) Talks about Jack Morris as if the g is the Michael Jordan of baseball”

On what the Lions should do in the draft:

“I think John Owens is out as TE … at least I never heard that we re-signed him. I could be wrong, but I don’t think he’s coming back. If we can fix the MLB and safety debacles, we should be in much better shape. If it were up to me, we’d take Curry first (take starting spot from Cannon), Maualuga twentieth (you know, I don’t like this dude… I don’t know why, but I don’t like him. Maybe if his mom invited me over for spaghetti dinner and funny stories I might change my mind. He’s better than Animal’s son though and Curry is a better option on the outside, so I think he’s our man for MLB.), Duke Robinson, thirty-third, to play guard (I’m partial to men named Duke … I like men named Duke as much as I dislike men named Skip, Rich, Zack, and Clay.), and Graham Harrell sixty-fifth as Drew Henson’s replacement and the number two QB. Beyond that, get a safety, wide receiver (seriously), and a defensive-end … after that, I don’t give a what. Just leave Javon Ringer and Otis Wiley alone so that they have a chance to have decent, happy careers with less dysfunctional teams.

In the free agent market, I wouldn’t mind beefing up the running back position with Aveion Cason or Artose Pinner, or getting a hardworking, blue-collar spark plug like Scottie Vines in as wide-out/punt returner. You know he shows up for practice early every day, right? Ha!”

On David Kircus, for some reason:

“Kircus’ wanking-off levels are likely at an all-time high (credit for joke goes to Saving Silverman… possibly the funniest movie ever)”

On Notre Dame football:

“Thanks for the reminder, Charlie Weis. Clausen is a solid guard away from Heisman candidacy.”

On Fantasy Football:

“True story … I had a co-worker (who also checks out this site, so J, if you read this, I’m talking about your punk azzzz) who took the Lions defense as the ’sleeper’ in his fantasy league last year. Cute pick … annnnnd there goes a hundo.”

On Scott Olsen:

“I was already a fan, but now, I’m ready to invest in an Olsen jersey. I haven’t been as inspired since Kazuhisa Ishii lit up a smoke pulled from a diamond-crusted cigarette holder that he kept in a black patent-leather purse.”

On Playstation baseball:

“Thank you, but I don’t think Prior was ever on my team. If I remember correctly, the Weav was my #1, Wood was #2, Ishii was #3, Mike Mussina was #4, and Byung Hyun Kim was #5 (how can you not like someone who cries during a game?). Paul Bako and Damian Jackson showed their true potential … both were all-stars.”

On FSD oafs Ryan Field, Trevor Thompson, John Keating, et. al.:

“A casual Friday night get together with those guys: hanging out at JK’s … speaking loudly and clearly about nothing … decked out in full FSN gear (coincidentally, they all showed up in the embroidered lime green polo, made famous by Rod Allen) … Brandon Inge and Kris Draper posters scattered about the walls … sipping on O’Douls and eating Little Caesars pizza … it’s all fun and games until someone makes a joke about Corey Smith and then things get rowdy … Trevor is a biter.”

On the Pat Caputo’s web-debate show, The Book and His Boss:

“Maybe if I put my hands on my hips more, I could be a boss. The hands down the pants thing I do doesn’t seem to be getting me respect at work.”